I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
