Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
