I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
