mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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