im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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