capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
where does the pee come out of this thing
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
