woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
