shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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