so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
