Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
