He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
