I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
