can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
