I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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