I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Two words: blizzard sex
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
