just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
