you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
