Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
