my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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