So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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