i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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