Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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