what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
