I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
