I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
