You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
