what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
