Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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