I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
