I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think my moral compass just broke
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