So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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