Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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