im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
