Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
