someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
40s are totally the cure
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
