There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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