I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
