Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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