My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
