ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
