Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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