it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
