watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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