Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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