just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
