Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
