why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
