I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
