yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
