she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
