just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
