you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
