if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
