dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
