Jerry, you need to find god
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
